Familiar territory

I didn't think I'd have anything to add here for some time, although after today it seems like a few comments may be in order.  [Again, in a more subdued tone than you may have become used to, but hey, this is where I am at the moment.]

I'm not quite back where I started when I began writing here, but the territory is definitely familiar.  The old sensation of grieving is back, and it's pretty much as I described...this time around, though, I can tell that it will be a bit easier -- no more of the internal conflict about what I should or shouldn't say and such.  I have so much happiness and so many positives in life, now that I've gotten back to being me in all else, it's a very strange juxtaposition.

I get the sense that the intensity will likely diminish a bit quicker this time around, too...that will be a relief, as this morning I found myself back in that emotionally raw state that really isn't much fun.  It's a strange state to be in, to have found such clarity and peace in so many areas, but to still have this raw and volatile aspect that's in such contrast to the rest of me.

On my way to my writing/working haven tonight, it occurred to me that I can probably speed up the process this time around.  Without the internal conflict, the state of affairs is much simpler -- I love and care for someone deeply, and they don't have any interest in pursuing anything with me, regardless of whether I'm single or not.

With this in mind, how could things be sped up?  My feelings for them won't go away, of course, and they're not really the problem -- there's nothing wrong with love for or caring for a person...the world could use more of that in general.  In fact, it can be quite rewarding to just enjoy those feelings.

Really, then, the main issue at hand is simply doing my best to let go of the desire to be with her, sharing life with her and all (or the sense of loss at not being able to do so).  For me, I think it will come down to letting the feelings of simply wanting her to be happy take over the stage completely, eclipsing the desire for involvement.

I've no doubt that it's where I'll wind up eventually -- wanting the best for them, plain and simple.   Meanwhile, when the sense of loss starts to rear its head, I think that it will be easier to turn my focus to other things (such as wanting them to be happy), than it would be to simply try to stop the less desired feelings.  Like with most habits, it's easier to replace them with something positive than it is to just stop.

Just another step along the way, really...I wouldn't have opened myself up to something like this if I didn't have the strength to deal with the repercussions.

Where's the off switch?

Well folks, on Friday I did it.

I finally tired of the internal Jekyll and Hyde struggle I described earlier.  Hyde, persistent bastard, finally won -- I texted and then talked on the phone with my girl.  The whole "are we friends?" thing aside, I just didn't want to carry on without making my feelings clear.  All did not come up roses.

It was a brief call.  Even though there were only a few things I wanted to say, some didn't come out clearly, and some were forgotten completely, in the moment.  Typical for me, of late.

To cut a long story short, I said my piece, she listened, and that was pretty much it.  I told her that I just wanted to be with her, that I couldn't get her off of my mind, and that I was prepared to effectively become single, so that we'd have the best chance to figure out how we work and whether we could give each other what we want and need.

Let's just say that she's not interested, and that when it comes to friendship, I'm not near the top of the list.  The usual doubt has set in afterwards..."Was I clear?  Would it have made a difference if I'd said things differently?  Should I have said 'I want to put you first'", or any of a myriad of other things, even though I hope that it was clearly implied.

It was a bit like having a weight lifted to express my feelings to her, however that was only part of the equation.  That it did no good, well, I'm left with that, along with the weight of the other monoliths that remain.

I don't know whether it's funny or sad, really.  Ironic?  Tragic?  To be prepared to give up a great many things, and a great many more, if it would do any good, just for the chance to work things out, but for that to not really be much good for anything in the scheme of things.

I'm sorry, this likely isn't the tone you've become accustomed to, and at the moment there's really no insight that I can think of to share with you.

I'm glad that some of you have found my rambling here to be beneficial.  I really don't know what to say at the moment, though -- I'm just feeling a great deal of sorrow at the moment.  I suppose I could add that it is making it a little bit easier to have said my piece -- I don't have that internal conflict anymore about whether I should say something or not.

I wouldn't trade in meeting her and knowing her -- she is wonderful, whether she knows it or not, and whether or not I'm in that picture.  I would trade in the heartache, though.  But hey, that's what started this whole ramble.

There are a couple of things I'm working on that relate to her interests and work -- I'll likely be in touch with her about that sort of thing.  Beyond that, though (or even with that), she doesn't seem particularly interested in being an active friend, I'll just to my best to carry on with my own thing.  If she contacts me, well, I'll welcome it, I'm sure.  The odd time that she's been the one to initiate contact in the past couple of months have definitely had a soothing effect that lasts for a while, at least.

There is no off switch for love in my world, it seems, but I already knew that.  If I find one, I'll let you know.