Where's the off switch?

Well folks, on Friday I did it.

I finally tired of the internal Jekyll and Hyde struggle I described earlier.  Hyde, persistent bastard, finally won -- I texted and then talked on the phone with my girl.  The whole "are we friends?" thing aside, I just didn't want to carry on without making my feelings clear.  All did not come up roses.

It was a brief call.  Even though there were only a few things I wanted to say, some didn't come out clearly, and some were forgotten completely, in the moment.  Typical for me, of late.

To cut a long story short, I said my piece, she listened, and that was pretty much it.  I told her that I just wanted to be with her, that I couldn't get her off of my mind, and that I was prepared to effectively become single, so that we'd have the best chance to figure out how we work and whether we could give each other what we want and need.

Let's just say that she's not interested, and that when it comes to friendship, I'm not near the top of the list.  The usual doubt has set in afterwards..."Was I clear?  Would it have made a difference if I'd said things differently?  Should I have said 'I want to put you first'", or any of a myriad of other things, even though I hope that it was clearly implied.

It was a bit like having a weight lifted to express my feelings to her, however that was only part of the equation.  That it did no good, well, I'm left with that, along with the weight of the other monoliths that remain.

I don't know whether it's funny or sad, really.  Ironic?  Tragic?  To be prepared to give up a great many things, and a great many more, if it would do any good, just for the chance to work things out, but for that to not really be much good for anything in the scheme of things.

I'm sorry, this likely isn't the tone you've become accustomed to, and at the moment there's really no insight that I can think of to share with you.

I'm glad that some of you have found my rambling here to be beneficial.  I really don't know what to say at the moment, though -- I'm just feeling a great deal of sorrow at the moment.  I suppose I could add that it is making it a little bit easier to have said my piece -- I don't have that internal conflict anymore about whether I should say something or not.

I wouldn't trade in meeting her and knowing her -- she is wonderful, whether she knows it or not, and whether or not I'm in that picture.  I would trade in the heartache, though.  But hey, that's what started this whole ramble.

There are a couple of things I'm working on that relate to her interests and work -- I'll likely be in touch with her about that sort of thing.  Beyond that, though (or even with that), she doesn't seem particularly interested in being an active friend, I'll just to my best to carry on with my own thing.  If she contacts me, well, I'll welcome it, I'm sure.  The odd time that she's been the one to initiate contact in the past couple of months have definitely had a soothing effect that lasts for a while, at least.

There is no off switch for love in my world, it seems, but I already knew that.  If I find one, I'll let you know.