I didn't think I'd have anything to add here for some time, although after today it seems like a few comments may be in order. [Again, in a more subdued tone than you may have become used to, but hey, this is where I am at the moment.]
I'm not quite back where I started when I began writing here, but the territory is definitely familiar. The old sensation of grieving is back, and it's pretty much as I described...this time around, though, I can tell that it will be a bit easier -- no more of the internal conflict about what I should or shouldn't say and such. I have so much happiness and so many positives in life, now that I've gotten back to being me in all else, it's a very strange juxtaposition.
I get the sense that the intensity will likely diminish a bit quicker this time around, too...that will be a relief, as this morning I found myself back in that emotionally raw state that really isn't much fun. It's a strange state to be in, to have found such clarity and peace in so many areas, but to still have this raw and volatile aspect that's in such contrast to the rest of me.
On my way to my writing/working haven tonight, it occurred to me that I can probably speed up the process this time around. Without the internal conflict, the state of affairs is much simpler -- I love and care for someone deeply, and they don't have any interest in pursuing anything with me, regardless of whether I'm single or not.
With this in mind, how could things be sped up? My feelings for them won't go away, of course, and they're not really the problem -- there's nothing wrong with love for or caring for a person...the world could use more of that in general. In fact, it can be quite rewarding to just enjoy those feelings.
Really, then, the main issue at hand is simply doing my best to let go of the desire to be with her, sharing life with her and all (or the sense of loss at not being able to do so). For me, I think it will come down to letting the feelings of simply wanting her to be happy take over the stage completely, eclipsing the desire for involvement.
I've no doubt that it's where I'll wind up eventually -- wanting the best for them, plain and simple. Meanwhile, when the sense of loss starts to rear its head, I think that it will be easier to turn my focus to other things (such as wanting them to be happy), than it would be to simply try to stop the less desired feelings. Like with most habits, it's easier to replace them with something positive than it is to just stop.
Just another step along the way, really...I wouldn't have opened myself up to something like this if I didn't have the strength to deal with the repercussions.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Where's the off switch?
Well folks, on Friday I did it.
I finally tired of the internal Jekyll and Hyde struggle I described earlier. Hyde, persistent bastard, finally won -- I texted and then talked on the phone with my girl. The whole "are we friends?" thing aside, I just didn't want to carry on without making my feelings clear. All did not come up roses.
It was a brief call. Even though there were only a few things I wanted to say, some didn't come out clearly, and some were forgotten completely, in the moment. Typical for me, of late.
To cut a long story short, I said my piece, she listened, and that was pretty much it. I told her that I just wanted to be with her, that I couldn't get her off of my mind, and that I was prepared to effectively become single, so that we'd have the best chance to figure out how we work and whether we could give each other what we want and need.
Let's just say that she's not interested, and that when it comes to friendship, I'm not near the top of the list. The usual doubt has set in afterwards..."Was I clear? Would it have made a difference if I'd said things differently? Should I have said 'I want to put you first'", or any of a myriad of other things, even though I hope that it was clearly implied.
It was a bit like having a weight lifted to express my feelings to her, however that was only part of the equation. That it did no good, well, I'm left with that, along with the weight of the other monoliths that remain.
I don't know whether it's funny or sad, really. Ironic? Tragic? To be prepared to give up a great many things, and a great many more, if it would do any good, just for the chance to work things out, but for that to not really be much good for anything in the scheme of things.
I'm sorry, this likely isn't the tone you've become accustomed to, and at the moment there's really no insight that I can think of to share with you.
I'm glad that some of you have found my rambling here to be beneficial. I really don't know what to say at the moment, though -- I'm just feeling a great deal of sorrow at the moment. I suppose I could add that it is making it a little bit easier to have said my piece -- I don't have that internal conflict anymore about whether I should say something or not.
I wouldn't trade in meeting her and knowing her -- she is wonderful, whether she knows it or not, and whether or not I'm in that picture. I would trade in the heartache, though. But hey, that's what started this whole ramble.
There are a couple of things I'm working on that relate to her interests and work -- I'll likely be in touch with her about that sort of thing. Beyond that, though (or even with that), she doesn't seem particularly interested in being an active friend, I'll just to my best to carry on with my own thing. If she contacts me, well, I'll welcome it, I'm sure. The odd time that she's been the one to initiate contact in the past couple of months have definitely had a soothing effect that lasts for a while, at least.
There is no off switch for love in my world, it seems, but I already knew that. If I find one, I'll let you know.
I finally tired of the internal Jekyll and Hyde struggle I described earlier. Hyde, persistent bastard, finally won -- I texted and then talked on the phone with my girl. The whole "are we friends?" thing aside, I just didn't want to carry on without making my feelings clear. All did not come up roses.
It was a brief call. Even though there were only a few things I wanted to say, some didn't come out clearly, and some were forgotten completely, in the moment. Typical for me, of late.
To cut a long story short, I said my piece, she listened, and that was pretty much it. I told her that I just wanted to be with her, that I couldn't get her off of my mind, and that I was prepared to effectively become single, so that we'd have the best chance to figure out how we work and whether we could give each other what we want and need.
Let's just say that she's not interested, and that when it comes to friendship, I'm not near the top of the list. The usual doubt has set in afterwards..."Was I clear? Would it have made a difference if I'd said things differently? Should I have said 'I want to put you first'", or any of a myriad of other things, even though I hope that it was clearly implied.
It was a bit like having a weight lifted to express my feelings to her, however that was only part of the equation. That it did no good, well, I'm left with that, along with the weight of the other monoliths that remain.
I don't know whether it's funny or sad, really. Ironic? Tragic? To be prepared to give up a great many things, and a great many more, if it would do any good, just for the chance to work things out, but for that to not really be much good for anything in the scheme of things.
I'm sorry, this likely isn't the tone you've become accustomed to, and at the moment there's really no insight that I can think of to share with you.
I'm glad that some of you have found my rambling here to be beneficial. I really don't know what to say at the moment, though -- I'm just feeling a great deal of sorrow at the moment. I suppose I could add that it is making it a little bit easier to have said my piece -- I don't have that internal conflict anymore about whether I should say something or not.
I wouldn't trade in meeting her and knowing her -- she is wonderful, whether she knows it or not, and whether or not I'm in that picture. I would trade in the heartache, though. But hey, that's what started this whole ramble.
There are a couple of things I'm working on that relate to her interests and work -- I'll likely be in touch with her about that sort of thing. Beyond that, though (or even with that), she doesn't seem particularly interested in being an active friend, I'll just to my best to carry on with my own thing. If she contacts me, well, I'll welcome it, I'm sure. The odd time that she's been the one to initiate contact in the past couple of months have definitely had a soothing effect that lasts for a while, at least.
There is no off switch for love in my world, it seems, but I already knew that. If I find one, I'll let you know.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Friendships vs. Relationships
Have you ever taken the time to think about what actually differentiates your friendships from what you might call your relationships?
For interactions which can in many ways be so alike, the differences can be quite dramatic. There are things that can occur between friends -- conflicts, different interests or directions, and so on -- which while tolerated with friends, wind up being deal-breakers in a relationship.
Really, there can be so many similarities, though, where is the line drawn?
Thinking about it for a bit, accountability and common purpose pop to the forefront.
While you don't necessarily share every little thing you're doing or planning with your friends, this level of communication is often expected in a relationship. There's generally no need to tell your friends about a big planned purchase, a trip, or any such thing. Talking about such things with friends can be quite normal, but there's usually an expectation to do so in a relationship of some maturity.
Beyond this sort of thing (and intimacy, of course), though, it's amazing how similar relationships and friendships can be, yet how what we'd tolerate in a friendship (often without thinking twice about it) can be intolerable for many in a relationship.
One interesting aspect of relationships and friendships that popped to mind a while ago relates most easily to poly-minded people...with this sort of relationship model, being involved emotionally with people in a way that allows each interaction to reach its own natural level, there's not really any need to have a concrete end to things.
Such relationships can simply continue to evolve to whatever suits those people at a given point in time...now your partners, oh, but now there's been a shift, and so friendship is more sensible. It can continue on, evolving to whatever suits the moment, without ever having to tread the "we're breaking up" waters.
Granted, this sort of approach pretty much demands a level of maturity from the people involved, or it simply won't work that way. (This popped to mind, of course, with the realization that "hey, things really didn't need to end this way...they could have simply been dynamic and evolved to what suited the moment", so it's a biased view...)
Annnnd, for the most part, then there's the real world.
For interactions which can in many ways be so alike, the differences can be quite dramatic. There are things that can occur between friends -- conflicts, different interests or directions, and so on -- which while tolerated with friends, wind up being deal-breakers in a relationship.
Really, there can be so many similarities, though, where is the line drawn?
Thinking about it for a bit, accountability and common purpose pop to the forefront.
While you don't necessarily share every little thing you're doing or planning with your friends, this level of communication is often expected in a relationship. There's generally no need to tell your friends about a big planned purchase, a trip, or any such thing. Talking about such things with friends can be quite normal, but there's usually an expectation to do so in a relationship of some maturity.
Beyond this sort of thing (and intimacy, of course), though, it's amazing how similar relationships and friendships can be, yet how what we'd tolerate in a friendship (often without thinking twice about it) can be intolerable for many in a relationship.
One interesting aspect of relationships and friendships that popped to mind a while ago relates most easily to poly-minded people...with this sort of relationship model, being involved emotionally with people in a way that allows each interaction to reach its own natural level, there's not really any need to have a concrete end to things.
Such relationships can simply continue to evolve to whatever suits those people at a given point in time...now your partners, oh, but now there's been a shift, and so friendship is more sensible. It can continue on, evolving to whatever suits the moment, without ever having to tread the "we're breaking up" waters.
Granted, this sort of approach pretty much demands a level of maturity from the people involved, or it simply won't work that way. (This popped to mind, of course, with the realization that "hey, things really didn't need to end this way...they could have simply been dynamic and evolved to what suited the moment", so it's a biased view...)
Annnnd, for the most part, then there's the real world.
Sex and nerves.
Ah, sex.
It can be amazing -- the excitement and passion of the moment with someone where that magnetism just drives you! Exploring everything about each other, and figuring out how you fit together...
With someone new, though, nerves can be a big factor in the beginning, until you've reached a certain level of comfort and familiarity.
Making the transition from a monogamous to a poly relationship turned out to be a factor, too -- something to keep in mind, for any of you out there considering such a shift! I found myself ridiculously attracted to my girl...ridiculously attracted.
Moving from that internal "wow, I'm really turned on" to actually doing something about it wound up coming with some complications. (The funk I'd mentioned was a factor, too, with me still recovering from the really run down state that had taken root over months.) The biggest factor, though, was the sense of uncertainty with this first venture into poly -- "Am I actually ok with this? Is this ok in general? Will it really be ok at home?" and things of that sort.
That apprehension took its toll...it came about in a few forms. It could mean that in going from the "wow!" to "let's go!" stage, I'd go from hard to meh, hard...ish, or having nerves related to such things make getting hard in the first place a task.
With all of that in mind, thank god for understanding partners! We weren't together enough to get past that stage, although I could tell that it would pass within a few more weeks. A shame, really...so much good fucking missed out on. (It would be a real bitch if that turned out to be one of the factors that brought things to an end!)
What time we did have together was amazing, though, in spite of the interfering role that apprehension played. She was definitely a fantastic partner, and I had a good sense of how things would evolve in that regard...the very real parts of me that could come out, and enjoyably so, if things had carried on.
When you have a fulfilling sex life, it's amazing how the other parts of your personality can fade into the background. Getting to explore things with someone new can awaken those desires, giving you new direction, new territory to venture into, and so on. It takes time, though, to let those parts of you wake up, stretch their arms, and have life breathed into them.
If you're with someone new, give it time. Time for you to move towards who you will be with them, and time for them to do the same. And communicate! Unless you're both mind-readers, how are you or they going to know whether what's going on is good, bad, or ugly, or what you'd really like to be doing?
In my situation, I simply wish there'd been more time...I was just getting past the "is it ok" stage when things ended abruptly. I could see the parts of me that would be able to come out, too, but that evolution would likely have taken a couple of months. It would've been nice to explore...as I said, things are great at home (and keep getting better), but it can be amazing to explore those other aspects of oneself, given the chance.
For partners who enjoy and care about each other, things can just keep getting better over time. Just make sure that you actually give it time, and communicate!
It can be amazing -- the excitement and passion of the moment with someone where that magnetism just drives you! Exploring everything about each other, and figuring out how you fit together...
With someone new, though, nerves can be a big factor in the beginning, until you've reached a certain level of comfort and familiarity.
Making the transition from a monogamous to a poly relationship turned out to be a factor, too -- something to keep in mind, for any of you out there considering such a shift! I found myself ridiculously attracted to my girl...ridiculously attracted.
Moving from that internal "wow, I'm really turned on" to actually doing something about it wound up coming with some complications. (The funk I'd mentioned was a factor, too, with me still recovering from the really run down state that had taken root over months.) The biggest factor, though, was the sense of uncertainty with this first venture into poly -- "Am I actually ok with this? Is this ok in general? Will it really be ok at home?" and things of that sort.
That apprehension took its toll...it came about in a few forms. It could mean that in going from the "wow!" to "let's go!" stage, I'd go from hard to meh, hard...ish, or having nerves related to such things make getting hard in the first place a task.
With all of that in mind, thank god for understanding partners! We weren't together enough to get past that stage, although I could tell that it would pass within a few more weeks. A shame, really...so much good fucking missed out on. (It would be a real bitch if that turned out to be one of the factors that brought things to an end!)
What time we did have together was amazing, though, in spite of the interfering role that apprehension played. She was definitely a fantastic partner, and I had a good sense of how things would evolve in that regard...the very real parts of me that could come out, and enjoyably so, if things had carried on.
When you have a fulfilling sex life, it's amazing how the other parts of your personality can fade into the background. Getting to explore things with someone new can awaken those desires, giving you new direction, new territory to venture into, and so on. It takes time, though, to let those parts of you wake up, stretch their arms, and have life breathed into them.
If you're with someone new, give it time. Time for you to move towards who you will be with them, and time for them to do the same. And communicate! Unless you're both mind-readers, how are you or they going to know whether what's going on is good, bad, or ugly, or what you'd really like to be doing?
In my situation, I simply wish there'd been more time...I was just getting past the "is it ok" stage when things ended abruptly. I could see the parts of me that would be able to come out, too, but that evolution would likely have taken a couple of months. It would've been nice to explore...as I said, things are great at home (and keep getting better), but it can be amazing to explore those other aspects of oneself, given the chance.
For partners who enjoy and care about each other, things can just keep getting better over time. Just make sure that you actually give it time, and communicate!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Marriage. What's it to you?
I'm in my second marriage. Although this may come as no surprise to you, the circumstances may be a far cry from what you'd initially think.
I've always been a faithful partner, and quite satisfied with monogamous relationships. The whole venture into the poly mindset has been a real eye-opener, and one that can have you delving into the deepest darkest reaches of your psyche, where you can find all sorts of interesting insecurities and fears.
Once upon a time, I always wanted to make everyone happy. Big mistake. While it's nice to make people happy, it's also very important to realize that you can't please everyone all of the time. Common sense, right? Well, yes, but not necessarily the easiest thing to put into practice for everyone.
I wound up in my first marriage pretty much as a result of following along the garden path what I felt that family and friends expected of me at the time. I didn't want to disappoint, and so ignored the warning signs along the way. Another big mistake. I wound up in a marriage I didn't want to be in, although it wasn't clear to me for a long time why. I felt trapped, and took far too long to stick up for my right to have a path in life that was of my choosing. Choosing to divorce, and sticking to that decision was the hardest thing I'd had to do up to that point.
My current marriage. Well, I'm married to an amazing woman who I love deeply. Our love has continued to evolve and grow throughout the past decade. That said, we're not married because it's important to us, but rather because it served a purpose at the time, a few years into our relationship. Since it was still early in my journey to being comfortable in my own skin, and exploring what I was and wasn't entitled to, it had the added benefit of giving me a sense of security, however tenuous that might have been. We have an amazing relationship, and being married does not play a part in that.
My new love interest. There's a different story yet again. Now with her, I can actually see wanting to be married to her. I like the idea of seeing her in a dress and walking down the aisle to me. She'd look amazing in that moment, but beyond that -- it would mean something inside me that wasn't there before. Talk about putting the cart before the horse, though.
I've always been a faithful partner, and quite satisfied with monogamous relationships. The whole venture into the poly mindset has been a real eye-opener, and one that can have you delving into the deepest darkest reaches of your psyche, where you can find all sorts of interesting insecurities and fears.
Once upon a time, I always wanted to make everyone happy. Big mistake. While it's nice to make people happy, it's also very important to realize that you can't please everyone all of the time. Common sense, right? Well, yes, but not necessarily the easiest thing to put into practice for everyone.
I wound up in my first marriage pretty much as a result of following along the garden path what I felt that family and friends expected of me at the time. I didn't want to disappoint, and so ignored the warning signs along the way. Another big mistake. I wound up in a marriage I didn't want to be in, although it wasn't clear to me for a long time why. I felt trapped, and took far too long to stick up for my right to have a path in life that was of my choosing. Choosing to divorce, and sticking to that decision was the hardest thing I'd had to do up to that point.
My current marriage. Well, I'm married to an amazing woman who I love deeply. Our love has continued to evolve and grow throughout the past decade. That said, we're not married because it's important to us, but rather because it served a purpose at the time, a few years into our relationship. Since it was still early in my journey to being comfortable in my own skin, and exploring what I was and wasn't entitled to, it had the added benefit of giving me a sense of security, however tenuous that might have been. We have an amazing relationship, and being married does not play a part in that.
My new love interest. There's a different story yet again. Now with her, I can actually see wanting to be married to her. I like the idea of seeing her in a dress and walking down the aisle to me. She'd look amazing in that moment, but beyond that -- it would mean something inside me that wasn't there before. Talk about putting the cart before the horse, though.
Why are you married, or want to be married? Because you like the idea of marrying someone, or actually that person you're with? Do you think it gives you security in your relationship? Sadly, it rarely works that way. Get married because you want to be married to that person. Not for the big wedding, not to try to keep them -- that works about as well as "well if I get pregnant, he'll have to stay with me".
Promises, promises.
Or what I'd do differently...or, "my conscience and a nearly broken promise".
Hrmm...maybe "The Last Supper" would be more apt. Semantics. Fuck it.
So I'm carrying along in my weird hyperactive, intense, blissful, and as-yet-unidentified slightly obsessed escapist state...yes, I know, what could possibly go wrong.
This whole "opening up" journey has been an interesting one, to say the least. The first times out (and yes, the first times when it comes to sex, intimacy, and the whole shebang) were a bit tenuous, I'll say. Really, you're out there getting to know someone, but at first there's a nagging -- "is this really going to be ok at home?" and so on. It doesn't really matter whether I'm ok with what my wife might do -- it's more a matter of whether I feel entitled or ok with the same, or whether she'll really be ok with it.
When we decided to open up, it was with the understanding that this was a first for us, and that either of us could veto the whole endeavor if we so chose -- if it wound up not being the fit for us that we thought it would be, for example. Well, this came back to bite me in the ass. More than once. I've learned a number of lessons as a result of it, thank god, and am a much better person for it, although I am a bit more of a bastard, too.
I'd never really had to stand my ground on anything so significant at home before -- I generally got what I wanted, or at least something that would do just fine, without any confrontation. I've always felt that it's pointless to fight over every little thing -- what a state to be in, really...save the battles for things that really matter...at least the person's more likely to know that you mean business, and that it's not just another everyday conflict.
I wanted to be able to make plans with my new girl -- a reasonable request, I think. How the hell are you going to be able to see anyone, if you can't make plans? In particular, I wanted to go to my new friend's for dinner on a given night later in the week. My wife was in a rough patch, didn't like the planning thing, and didn't want me to go. I stuck up for my right to go, but since I'd never been in this sort of situation before, I didn't quite know how to react, and it wound up playing out in a highly erratic fashion...snippets of cryptic communication here and there...basically, a hyper mess from uncertainty and adrenaline. It was ugly. I was ugly. Fuck.
There is more to the story, so I may get back to it later. For now though, onward.
Dinner came and went. It was delicious, but the atmosphere was a little weird. Something wasn't quite right. I had a sense of what was going on, but had no idea how to fix it. I wanted to let my girl know that everything would be fine, and that I was there for her, and would be there for her. No surprise, it came out all wrong, and was likely too late anyways.
My wife wanted me to always do what was right for me, regardless of whether it was right for her. This was my first foray into that arena. It was a mess. She wanted to call veto nonetheless, not for any resentment of who I was with or what I was doing, but for the erratic person I'd become, although that wouldn't come to light until later on. This consumed me for a couple of days, with a conflict raging between what I wanted vs. what I'd promised -- the right to veto.
In the end, it was envisioning the roles reversed that did it -- what if I was the one that wanted to call veto? I could only imagine the sense of betrayal that I'd have felt if such a call had been met with a "No". I agreed to taking a step back, or at least slowing things down, to be able to take a look at the big picture and see what there was to see. Really, more than anything I wanted to buy time, hoping that she would see my side of the equation, and consider how she would feel if the roles were reversed, relating to one of her other interests.
Never again. No fucking way. It was crushing to be torn apart like that. It wouldn't be fair to whoever I was with for that cropping up to be a possibility. Hell, in the end, it wasn't fair to me. Where I stand now, thankfully, this won't be a bridge I have to cross again. Ever. I'm open to the possibilities, but I won't let anything move forward without a few key understandings in place all around first.
Hrmm...maybe "The Last Supper" would be more apt. Semantics. Fuck it.
So I'm carrying along in my weird hyperactive, intense, blissful, and as-yet-unidentified slightly obsessed escapist state...yes, I know, what could possibly go wrong.
This whole "opening up" journey has been an interesting one, to say the least. The first times out (and yes, the first times when it comes to sex, intimacy, and the whole shebang) were a bit tenuous, I'll say. Really, you're out there getting to know someone, but at first there's a nagging -- "is this really going to be ok at home?" and so on. It doesn't really matter whether I'm ok with what my wife might do -- it's more a matter of whether I feel entitled or ok with the same, or whether she'll really be ok with it.
When we decided to open up, it was with the understanding that this was a first for us, and that either of us could veto the whole endeavor if we so chose -- if it wound up not being the fit for us that we thought it would be, for example. Well, this came back to bite me in the ass. More than once. I've learned a number of lessons as a result of it, thank god, and am a much better person for it, although I am a bit more of a bastard, too.
I'd never really had to stand my ground on anything so significant at home before -- I generally got what I wanted, or at least something that would do just fine, without any confrontation. I've always felt that it's pointless to fight over every little thing -- what a state to be in, really...save the battles for things that really matter...at least the person's more likely to know that you mean business, and that it's not just another everyday conflict.
I wanted to be able to make plans with my new girl -- a reasonable request, I think. How the hell are you going to be able to see anyone, if you can't make plans? In particular, I wanted to go to my new friend's for dinner on a given night later in the week. My wife was in a rough patch, didn't like the planning thing, and didn't want me to go. I stuck up for my right to go, but since I'd never been in this sort of situation before, I didn't quite know how to react, and it wound up playing out in a highly erratic fashion...snippets of cryptic communication here and there...basically, a hyper mess from uncertainty and adrenaline. It was ugly. I was ugly. Fuck.
There is more to the story, so I may get back to it later. For now though, onward.
Dinner came and went. It was delicious, but the atmosphere was a little weird. Something wasn't quite right. I had a sense of what was going on, but had no idea how to fix it. I wanted to let my girl know that everything would be fine, and that I was there for her, and would be there for her. No surprise, it came out all wrong, and was likely too late anyways.
My wife wanted me to always do what was right for me, regardless of whether it was right for her. This was my first foray into that arena. It was a mess. She wanted to call veto nonetheless, not for any resentment of who I was with or what I was doing, but for the erratic person I'd become, although that wouldn't come to light until later on. This consumed me for a couple of days, with a conflict raging between what I wanted vs. what I'd promised -- the right to veto.
In the end, it was envisioning the roles reversed that did it -- what if I was the one that wanted to call veto? I could only imagine the sense of betrayal that I'd have felt if such a call had been met with a "No". I agreed to taking a step back, or at least slowing things down, to be able to take a look at the big picture and see what there was to see. Really, more than anything I wanted to buy time, hoping that she would see my side of the equation, and consider how she would feel if the roles were reversed, relating to one of her other interests.
Never again. No fucking way. It was crushing to be torn apart like that. It wouldn't be fair to whoever I was with for that cropping up to be a possibility. Hell, in the end, it wasn't fair to me. Where I stand now, thankfully, this won't be a bridge I have to cross again. Ever. I'm open to the possibilities, but I won't let anything move forward without a few key understandings in place all around first.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Engaging your partner
In the midst of all of this exploration, one thing seemed to be lacking. I never really got a sense of what was expected of me, or what she would like to do.
Together with just the two of us, over the course of several weeks, we had a couple of coffee dates, a few dinner dates (one at each of our houses, and one out on the town), and a couple of overnight stays. It was always great to see each other, although who'd have thought that I would be the more available of the two of us, given that I have a spouse and a toddler.
It's always nice to have some guidelines to go by -- being told what someone likes, or would like to do (or as importantly, what they don't want!). In the absence of such things, what the hell are you supposed to do? As much as it's nice to be able to read someone, it's so much easier and nicer to cut out the guesswork for some things.
I'm pretty easy going, and find pleasure and interest in a great many things. If there's something I'd like to do, I'll say it. If there's something I don't want to do, I'll say that too. If things don't seem to be going in a direction I like, I'll talk about it. Conversely, if there's a direction I'd like to go in, I'll bring it up to see if there's a common ground to be found.
If you haven't tried it, I'd suggest trying it. If you sit by passively waiting and hoping that what you'd like to happen will come to pass, you could be in for no end of disappointment.
People generally have many aspects to them. It would be foolish to assume that what you see is simply what you get. Who knows, in talking about things, you might find that you have completely unexpected common ground, interests, or aspects to your personality that you didn't think you'd get to explore with a particular friend or partner.
If a partner or friend is trying to engage you in that manner, too, what sort of feedback are you giving? If you aren't clear or don't express interest in anything in particular, what do you think you'll get? You should generally only say that you don't mind or don't care if that's actually the case! I don't mean by this that you should expect to get everything your way -- there should be room for compromise, of course, otherwise you're heading off on a highly self-centered/selfish tangent.
For me, I am very lucky...I have such diverse interests, including a broad interest in people in general, that it's very easy for me to have a good time. As such, it's all the more important for me to have that feedback, otherwise we could wind up doing lord-knows-what that someone doesn't really have an interest in, but that I find fascinating.
I enjoyed the time that we spent together, there's no question about it. But then, funk aside, I simply enjoy life! Given the choice, I'd much rather be doing things that my partner or friend enjoys, too.
Sadly, it wasn't to last, and all too quickly came to an end.
Together with just the two of us, over the course of several weeks, we had a couple of coffee dates, a few dinner dates (one at each of our houses, and one out on the town), and a couple of overnight stays. It was always great to see each other, although who'd have thought that I would be the more available of the two of us, given that I have a spouse and a toddler.
It's always nice to have some guidelines to go by -- being told what someone likes, or would like to do (or as importantly, what they don't want!). In the absence of such things, what the hell are you supposed to do? As much as it's nice to be able to read someone, it's so much easier and nicer to cut out the guesswork for some things.
I'm pretty easy going, and find pleasure and interest in a great many things. If there's something I'd like to do, I'll say it. If there's something I don't want to do, I'll say that too. If things don't seem to be going in a direction I like, I'll talk about it. Conversely, if there's a direction I'd like to go in, I'll bring it up to see if there's a common ground to be found.
If you haven't tried it, I'd suggest trying it. If you sit by passively waiting and hoping that what you'd like to happen will come to pass, you could be in for no end of disappointment.
People generally have many aspects to them. It would be foolish to assume that what you see is simply what you get. Who knows, in talking about things, you might find that you have completely unexpected common ground, interests, or aspects to your personality that you didn't think you'd get to explore with a particular friend or partner.
If a partner or friend is trying to engage you in that manner, too, what sort of feedback are you giving? If you aren't clear or don't express interest in anything in particular, what do you think you'll get? You should generally only say that you don't mind or don't care if that's actually the case! I don't mean by this that you should expect to get everything your way -- there should be room for compromise, of course, otherwise you're heading off on a highly self-centered/selfish tangent.
For me, I am very lucky...I have such diverse interests, including a broad interest in people in general, that it's very easy for me to have a good time. As such, it's all the more important for me to have that feedback, otherwise we could wind up doing lord-knows-what that someone doesn't really have an interest in, but that I find fascinating.
PC Filter removed: "If you have something to say, fucking speak up already. Who else is going to let people know what you like, and what you want or don't want to do? Your mother?"
I enjoyed the time that we spent together, there's no question about it. But then, funk aside, I simply enjoy life! Given the choice, I'd much rather be doing things that my partner or friend enjoys, too.
Sadly, it wasn't to last, and all too quickly came to an end.
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