Familiar territory

I didn't think I'd have anything to add here for some time, although after today it seems like a few comments may be in order.  [Again, in a more subdued tone than you may have become used to, but hey, this is where I am at the moment.]

I'm not quite back where I started when I began writing here, but the territory is definitely familiar.  The old sensation of grieving is back, and it's pretty much as I described...this time around, though, I can tell that it will be a bit easier -- no more of the internal conflict about what I should or shouldn't say and such.  I have so much happiness and so many positives in life, now that I've gotten back to being me in all else, it's a very strange juxtaposition.

I get the sense that the intensity will likely diminish a bit quicker this time around, too...that will be a relief, as this morning I found myself back in that emotionally raw state that really isn't much fun.  It's a strange state to be in, to have found such clarity and peace in so many areas, but to still have this raw and volatile aspect that's in such contrast to the rest of me.

On my way to my writing/working haven tonight, it occurred to me that I can probably speed up the process this time around.  Without the internal conflict, the state of affairs is much simpler -- I love and care for someone deeply, and they don't have any interest in pursuing anything with me, regardless of whether I'm single or not.

With this in mind, how could things be sped up?  My feelings for them won't go away, of course, and they're not really the problem -- there's nothing wrong with love for or caring for a person...the world could use more of that in general.  In fact, it can be quite rewarding to just enjoy those feelings.

Really, then, the main issue at hand is simply doing my best to let go of the desire to be with her, sharing life with her and all (or the sense of loss at not being able to do so).  For me, I think it will come down to letting the feelings of simply wanting her to be happy take over the stage completely, eclipsing the desire for involvement.

I've no doubt that it's where I'll wind up eventually -- wanting the best for them, plain and simple.   Meanwhile, when the sense of loss starts to rear its head, I think that it will be easier to turn my focus to other things (such as wanting them to be happy), than it would be to simply try to stop the less desired feelings.  Like with most habits, it's easier to replace them with something positive than it is to just stop.

Just another step along the way, really...I wouldn't have opened myself up to something like this if I didn't have the strength to deal with the repercussions.