Have you ever taken the time to think about what actually differentiates your friendships from what you might call your relationships?
For interactions which can in many ways be so alike, the differences can be quite dramatic. There are things that can occur between friends -- conflicts, different interests or directions, and so on -- which while tolerated with friends, wind up being deal-breakers in a relationship.
Really, there can be so many similarities, though, where is the line drawn?
Thinking about it for a bit, accountability and common purpose pop to the forefront.
While you don't necessarily share every little thing you're doing or planning with your friends, this level of communication is often expected in a relationship. There's generally no need to tell your friends about a big planned purchase, a trip, or any such thing. Talking about such things with friends can be quite normal, but there's usually an expectation to do so in a relationship of some maturity.
Beyond this sort of thing (and intimacy, of course), though, it's amazing how similar relationships and friendships can be, yet how what we'd tolerate in a friendship (often without thinking twice about it) can be intolerable for many in a relationship.
One interesting aspect of relationships and friendships that popped to mind a while ago relates most easily to poly-minded people...with this sort of relationship model, being involved emotionally with people in a way that allows each interaction to reach its own natural level, there's not really any need to have a concrete end to things.
Such relationships can simply continue to evolve to whatever suits those people at a given point in time...now your partners, oh, but now there's been a shift, and so friendship is more sensible. It can continue on, evolving to whatever suits the moment, without ever having to tread the "we're breaking up" waters.
Granted, this sort of approach pretty much demands a level of maturity from the people involved, or it simply won't work that way. (This popped to mind, of course, with the realization that "hey, things really didn't need to end this way...they could have simply been dynamic and evolved to what suited the moment", so it's a biased view...)
Annnnd, for the most part, then there's the real world.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Sex and nerves.
Ah, sex.
It can be amazing -- the excitement and passion of the moment with someone where that magnetism just drives you! Exploring everything about each other, and figuring out how you fit together...
With someone new, though, nerves can be a big factor in the beginning, until you've reached a certain level of comfort and familiarity.
Making the transition from a monogamous to a poly relationship turned out to be a factor, too -- something to keep in mind, for any of you out there considering such a shift! I found myself ridiculously attracted to my girl...ridiculously attracted.
Moving from that internal "wow, I'm really turned on" to actually doing something about it wound up coming with some complications. (The funk I'd mentioned was a factor, too, with me still recovering from the really run down state that had taken root over months.) The biggest factor, though, was the sense of uncertainty with this first venture into poly -- "Am I actually ok with this? Is this ok in general? Will it really be ok at home?" and things of that sort.
That apprehension took its toll...it came about in a few forms. It could mean that in going from the "wow!" to "let's go!" stage, I'd go from hard to meh, hard...ish, or having nerves related to such things make getting hard in the first place a task.
With all of that in mind, thank god for understanding partners! We weren't together enough to get past that stage, although I could tell that it would pass within a few more weeks. A shame, really...so much good fucking missed out on. (It would be a real bitch if that turned out to be one of the factors that brought things to an end!)
What time we did have together was amazing, though, in spite of the interfering role that apprehension played. She was definitely a fantastic partner, and I had a good sense of how things would evolve in that regard...the very real parts of me that could come out, and enjoyably so, if things had carried on.
When you have a fulfilling sex life, it's amazing how the other parts of your personality can fade into the background. Getting to explore things with someone new can awaken those desires, giving you new direction, new territory to venture into, and so on. It takes time, though, to let those parts of you wake up, stretch their arms, and have life breathed into them.
If you're with someone new, give it time. Time for you to move towards who you will be with them, and time for them to do the same. And communicate! Unless you're both mind-readers, how are you or they going to know whether what's going on is good, bad, or ugly, or what you'd really like to be doing?
In my situation, I simply wish there'd been more time...I was just getting past the "is it ok" stage when things ended abruptly. I could see the parts of me that would be able to come out, too, but that evolution would likely have taken a couple of months. It would've been nice to explore...as I said, things are great at home (and keep getting better), but it can be amazing to explore those other aspects of oneself, given the chance.
For partners who enjoy and care about each other, things can just keep getting better over time. Just make sure that you actually give it time, and communicate!
It can be amazing -- the excitement and passion of the moment with someone where that magnetism just drives you! Exploring everything about each other, and figuring out how you fit together...
With someone new, though, nerves can be a big factor in the beginning, until you've reached a certain level of comfort and familiarity.
Making the transition from a monogamous to a poly relationship turned out to be a factor, too -- something to keep in mind, for any of you out there considering such a shift! I found myself ridiculously attracted to my girl...ridiculously attracted.
Moving from that internal "wow, I'm really turned on" to actually doing something about it wound up coming with some complications. (The funk I'd mentioned was a factor, too, with me still recovering from the really run down state that had taken root over months.) The biggest factor, though, was the sense of uncertainty with this first venture into poly -- "Am I actually ok with this? Is this ok in general? Will it really be ok at home?" and things of that sort.
That apprehension took its toll...it came about in a few forms. It could mean that in going from the "wow!" to "let's go!" stage, I'd go from hard to meh, hard...ish, or having nerves related to such things make getting hard in the first place a task.
With all of that in mind, thank god for understanding partners! We weren't together enough to get past that stage, although I could tell that it would pass within a few more weeks. A shame, really...so much good fucking missed out on. (It would be a real bitch if that turned out to be one of the factors that brought things to an end!)
What time we did have together was amazing, though, in spite of the interfering role that apprehension played. She was definitely a fantastic partner, and I had a good sense of how things would evolve in that regard...the very real parts of me that could come out, and enjoyably so, if things had carried on.
When you have a fulfilling sex life, it's amazing how the other parts of your personality can fade into the background. Getting to explore things with someone new can awaken those desires, giving you new direction, new territory to venture into, and so on. It takes time, though, to let those parts of you wake up, stretch their arms, and have life breathed into them.
If you're with someone new, give it time. Time for you to move towards who you will be with them, and time for them to do the same. And communicate! Unless you're both mind-readers, how are you or they going to know whether what's going on is good, bad, or ugly, or what you'd really like to be doing?
In my situation, I simply wish there'd been more time...I was just getting past the "is it ok" stage when things ended abruptly. I could see the parts of me that would be able to come out, too, but that evolution would likely have taken a couple of months. It would've been nice to explore...as I said, things are great at home (and keep getting better), but it can be amazing to explore those other aspects of oneself, given the chance.
For partners who enjoy and care about each other, things can just keep getting better over time. Just make sure that you actually give it time, and communicate!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Marriage. What's it to you?
I'm in my second marriage. Although this may come as no surprise to you, the circumstances may be a far cry from what you'd initially think.
I've always been a faithful partner, and quite satisfied with monogamous relationships. The whole venture into the poly mindset has been a real eye-opener, and one that can have you delving into the deepest darkest reaches of your psyche, where you can find all sorts of interesting insecurities and fears.
Once upon a time, I always wanted to make everyone happy. Big mistake. While it's nice to make people happy, it's also very important to realize that you can't please everyone all of the time. Common sense, right? Well, yes, but not necessarily the easiest thing to put into practice for everyone.
I wound up in my first marriage pretty much as a result of following along the garden path what I felt that family and friends expected of me at the time. I didn't want to disappoint, and so ignored the warning signs along the way. Another big mistake. I wound up in a marriage I didn't want to be in, although it wasn't clear to me for a long time why. I felt trapped, and took far too long to stick up for my right to have a path in life that was of my choosing. Choosing to divorce, and sticking to that decision was the hardest thing I'd had to do up to that point.
My current marriage. Well, I'm married to an amazing woman who I love deeply. Our love has continued to evolve and grow throughout the past decade. That said, we're not married because it's important to us, but rather because it served a purpose at the time, a few years into our relationship. Since it was still early in my journey to being comfortable in my own skin, and exploring what I was and wasn't entitled to, it had the added benefit of giving me a sense of security, however tenuous that might have been. We have an amazing relationship, and being married does not play a part in that.
My new love interest. There's a different story yet again. Now with her, I can actually see wanting to be married to her. I like the idea of seeing her in a dress and walking down the aisle to me. She'd look amazing in that moment, but beyond that -- it would mean something inside me that wasn't there before. Talk about putting the cart before the horse, though.
I've always been a faithful partner, and quite satisfied with monogamous relationships. The whole venture into the poly mindset has been a real eye-opener, and one that can have you delving into the deepest darkest reaches of your psyche, where you can find all sorts of interesting insecurities and fears.
Once upon a time, I always wanted to make everyone happy. Big mistake. While it's nice to make people happy, it's also very important to realize that you can't please everyone all of the time. Common sense, right? Well, yes, but not necessarily the easiest thing to put into practice for everyone.
I wound up in my first marriage pretty much as a result of following along the garden path what I felt that family and friends expected of me at the time. I didn't want to disappoint, and so ignored the warning signs along the way. Another big mistake. I wound up in a marriage I didn't want to be in, although it wasn't clear to me for a long time why. I felt trapped, and took far too long to stick up for my right to have a path in life that was of my choosing. Choosing to divorce, and sticking to that decision was the hardest thing I'd had to do up to that point.
My current marriage. Well, I'm married to an amazing woman who I love deeply. Our love has continued to evolve and grow throughout the past decade. That said, we're not married because it's important to us, but rather because it served a purpose at the time, a few years into our relationship. Since it was still early in my journey to being comfortable in my own skin, and exploring what I was and wasn't entitled to, it had the added benefit of giving me a sense of security, however tenuous that might have been. We have an amazing relationship, and being married does not play a part in that.
My new love interest. There's a different story yet again. Now with her, I can actually see wanting to be married to her. I like the idea of seeing her in a dress and walking down the aisle to me. She'd look amazing in that moment, but beyond that -- it would mean something inside me that wasn't there before. Talk about putting the cart before the horse, though.
Why are you married, or want to be married? Because you like the idea of marrying someone, or actually that person you're with? Do you think it gives you security in your relationship? Sadly, it rarely works that way. Get married because you want to be married to that person. Not for the big wedding, not to try to keep them -- that works about as well as "well if I get pregnant, he'll have to stay with me".
Promises, promises.
Or what I'd do differently...or, "my conscience and a nearly broken promise".
Hrmm...maybe "The Last Supper" would be more apt. Semantics. Fuck it.
So I'm carrying along in my weird hyperactive, intense, blissful, and as-yet-unidentified slightly obsessed escapist state...yes, I know, what could possibly go wrong.
This whole "opening up" journey has been an interesting one, to say the least. The first times out (and yes, the first times when it comes to sex, intimacy, and the whole shebang) were a bit tenuous, I'll say. Really, you're out there getting to know someone, but at first there's a nagging -- "is this really going to be ok at home?" and so on. It doesn't really matter whether I'm ok with what my wife might do -- it's more a matter of whether I feel entitled or ok with the same, or whether she'll really be ok with it.
When we decided to open up, it was with the understanding that this was a first for us, and that either of us could veto the whole endeavor if we so chose -- if it wound up not being the fit for us that we thought it would be, for example. Well, this came back to bite me in the ass. More than once. I've learned a number of lessons as a result of it, thank god, and am a much better person for it, although I am a bit more of a bastard, too.
I'd never really had to stand my ground on anything so significant at home before -- I generally got what I wanted, or at least something that would do just fine, without any confrontation. I've always felt that it's pointless to fight over every little thing -- what a state to be in, really...save the battles for things that really matter...at least the person's more likely to know that you mean business, and that it's not just another everyday conflict.
I wanted to be able to make plans with my new girl -- a reasonable request, I think. How the hell are you going to be able to see anyone, if you can't make plans? In particular, I wanted to go to my new friend's for dinner on a given night later in the week. My wife was in a rough patch, didn't like the planning thing, and didn't want me to go. I stuck up for my right to go, but since I'd never been in this sort of situation before, I didn't quite know how to react, and it wound up playing out in a highly erratic fashion...snippets of cryptic communication here and there...basically, a hyper mess from uncertainty and adrenaline. It was ugly. I was ugly. Fuck.
There is more to the story, so I may get back to it later. For now though, onward.
Dinner came and went. It was delicious, but the atmosphere was a little weird. Something wasn't quite right. I had a sense of what was going on, but had no idea how to fix it. I wanted to let my girl know that everything would be fine, and that I was there for her, and would be there for her. No surprise, it came out all wrong, and was likely too late anyways.
My wife wanted me to always do what was right for me, regardless of whether it was right for her. This was my first foray into that arena. It was a mess. She wanted to call veto nonetheless, not for any resentment of who I was with or what I was doing, but for the erratic person I'd become, although that wouldn't come to light until later on. This consumed me for a couple of days, with a conflict raging between what I wanted vs. what I'd promised -- the right to veto.
In the end, it was envisioning the roles reversed that did it -- what if I was the one that wanted to call veto? I could only imagine the sense of betrayal that I'd have felt if such a call had been met with a "No". I agreed to taking a step back, or at least slowing things down, to be able to take a look at the big picture and see what there was to see. Really, more than anything I wanted to buy time, hoping that she would see my side of the equation, and consider how she would feel if the roles were reversed, relating to one of her other interests.
Never again. No fucking way. It was crushing to be torn apart like that. It wouldn't be fair to whoever I was with for that cropping up to be a possibility. Hell, in the end, it wasn't fair to me. Where I stand now, thankfully, this won't be a bridge I have to cross again. Ever. I'm open to the possibilities, but I won't let anything move forward without a few key understandings in place all around first.
Hrmm...maybe "The Last Supper" would be more apt. Semantics. Fuck it.
So I'm carrying along in my weird hyperactive, intense, blissful, and as-yet-unidentified slightly obsessed escapist state...yes, I know, what could possibly go wrong.
This whole "opening up" journey has been an interesting one, to say the least. The first times out (and yes, the first times when it comes to sex, intimacy, and the whole shebang) were a bit tenuous, I'll say. Really, you're out there getting to know someone, but at first there's a nagging -- "is this really going to be ok at home?" and so on. It doesn't really matter whether I'm ok with what my wife might do -- it's more a matter of whether I feel entitled or ok with the same, or whether she'll really be ok with it.
When we decided to open up, it was with the understanding that this was a first for us, and that either of us could veto the whole endeavor if we so chose -- if it wound up not being the fit for us that we thought it would be, for example. Well, this came back to bite me in the ass. More than once. I've learned a number of lessons as a result of it, thank god, and am a much better person for it, although I am a bit more of a bastard, too.
I'd never really had to stand my ground on anything so significant at home before -- I generally got what I wanted, or at least something that would do just fine, without any confrontation. I've always felt that it's pointless to fight over every little thing -- what a state to be in, really...save the battles for things that really matter...at least the person's more likely to know that you mean business, and that it's not just another everyday conflict.
I wanted to be able to make plans with my new girl -- a reasonable request, I think. How the hell are you going to be able to see anyone, if you can't make plans? In particular, I wanted to go to my new friend's for dinner on a given night later in the week. My wife was in a rough patch, didn't like the planning thing, and didn't want me to go. I stuck up for my right to go, but since I'd never been in this sort of situation before, I didn't quite know how to react, and it wound up playing out in a highly erratic fashion...snippets of cryptic communication here and there...basically, a hyper mess from uncertainty and adrenaline. It was ugly. I was ugly. Fuck.
There is more to the story, so I may get back to it later. For now though, onward.
Dinner came and went. It was delicious, but the atmosphere was a little weird. Something wasn't quite right. I had a sense of what was going on, but had no idea how to fix it. I wanted to let my girl know that everything would be fine, and that I was there for her, and would be there for her. No surprise, it came out all wrong, and was likely too late anyways.
My wife wanted me to always do what was right for me, regardless of whether it was right for her. This was my first foray into that arena. It was a mess. She wanted to call veto nonetheless, not for any resentment of who I was with or what I was doing, but for the erratic person I'd become, although that wouldn't come to light until later on. This consumed me for a couple of days, with a conflict raging between what I wanted vs. what I'd promised -- the right to veto.
In the end, it was envisioning the roles reversed that did it -- what if I was the one that wanted to call veto? I could only imagine the sense of betrayal that I'd have felt if such a call had been met with a "No". I agreed to taking a step back, or at least slowing things down, to be able to take a look at the big picture and see what there was to see. Really, more than anything I wanted to buy time, hoping that she would see my side of the equation, and consider how she would feel if the roles were reversed, relating to one of her other interests.
Never again. No fucking way. It was crushing to be torn apart like that. It wouldn't be fair to whoever I was with for that cropping up to be a possibility. Hell, in the end, it wasn't fair to me. Where I stand now, thankfully, this won't be a bridge I have to cross again. Ever. I'm open to the possibilities, but I won't let anything move forward without a few key understandings in place all around first.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Engaging your partner
In the midst of all of this exploration, one thing seemed to be lacking. I never really got a sense of what was expected of me, or what she would like to do.
Together with just the two of us, over the course of several weeks, we had a couple of coffee dates, a few dinner dates (one at each of our houses, and one out on the town), and a couple of overnight stays. It was always great to see each other, although who'd have thought that I would be the more available of the two of us, given that I have a spouse and a toddler.
It's always nice to have some guidelines to go by -- being told what someone likes, or would like to do (or as importantly, what they don't want!). In the absence of such things, what the hell are you supposed to do? As much as it's nice to be able to read someone, it's so much easier and nicer to cut out the guesswork for some things.
I'm pretty easy going, and find pleasure and interest in a great many things. If there's something I'd like to do, I'll say it. If there's something I don't want to do, I'll say that too. If things don't seem to be going in a direction I like, I'll talk about it. Conversely, if there's a direction I'd like to go in, I'll bring it up to see if there's a common ground to be found.
If you haven't tried it, I'd suggest trying it. If you sit by passively waiting and hoping that what you'd like to happen will come to pass, you could be in for no end of disappointment.
People generally have many aspects to them. It would be foolish to assume that what you see is simply what you get. Who knows, in talking about things, you might find that you have completely unexpected common ground, interests, or aspects to your personality that you didn't think you'd get to explore with a particular friend or partner.
If a partner or friend is trying to engage you in that manner, too, what sort of feedback are you giving? If you aren't clear or don't express interest in anything in particular, what do you think you'll get? You should generally only say that you don't mind or don't care if that's actually the case! I don't mean by this that you should expect to get everything your way -- there should be room for compromise, of course, otherwise you're heading off on a highly self-centered/selfish tangent.
For me, I am very lucky...I have such diverse interests, including a broad interest in people in general, that it's very easy for me to have a good time. As such, it's all the more important for me to have that feedback, otherwise we could wind up doing lord-knows-what that someone doesn't really have an interest in, but that I find fascinating.
I enjoyed the time that we spent together, there's no question about it. But then, funk aside, I simply enjoy life! Given the choice, I'd much rather be doing things that my partner or friend enjoys, too.
Sadly, it wasn't to last, and all too quickly came to an end.
Together with just the two of us, over the course of several weeks, we had a couple of coffee dates, a few dinner dates (one at each of our houses, and one out on the town), and a couple of overnight stays. It was always great to see each other, although who'd have thought that I would be the more available of the two of us, given that I have a spouse and a toddler.
It's always nice to have some guidelines to go by -- being told what someone likes, or would like to do (or as importantly, what they don't want!). In the absence of such things, what the hell are you supposed to do? As much as it's nice to be able to read someone, it's so much easier and nicer to cut out the guesswork for some things.
I'm pretty easy going, and find pleasure and interest in a great many things. If there's something I'd like to do, I'll say it. If there's something I don't want to do, I'll say that too. If things don't seem to be going in a direction I like, I'll talk about it. Conversely, if there's a direction I'd like to go in, I'll bring it up to see if there's a common ground to be found.
If you haven't tried it, I'd suggest trying it. If you sit by passively waiting and hoping that what you'd like to happen will come to pass, you could be in for no end of disappointment.
People generally have many aspects to them. It would be foolish to assume that what you see is simply what you get. Who knows, in talking about things, you might find that you have completely unexpected common ground, interests, or aspects to your personality that you didn't think you'd get to explore with a particular friend or partner.
If a partner or friend is trying to engage you in that manner, too, what sort of feedback are you giving? If you aren't clear or don't express interest in anything in particular, what do you think you'll get? You should generally only say that you don't mind or don't care if that's actually the case! I don't mean by this that you should expect to get everything your way -- there should be room for compromise, of course, otherwise you're heading off on a highly self-centered/selfish tangent.
For me, I am very lucky...I have such diverse interests, including a broad interest in people in general, that it's very easy for me to have a good time. As such, it's all the more important for me to have that feedback, otherwise we could wind up doing lord-knows-what that someone doesn't really have an interest in, but that I find fascinating.
PC Filter removed: "If you have something to say, fucking speak up already. Who else is going to let people know what you like, and what you want or don't want to do? Your mother?"
I enjoyed the time that we spent together, there's no question about it. But then, funk aside, I simply enjoy life! Given the choice, I'd much rather be doing things that my partner or friend enjoys, too.
Sadly, it wasn't to last, and all too quickly came to an end.
New relationship energy
Back to the newfound chemistry...the new girl and I both had very busy schedules that would distract us to no end, but we made time to meet for coffee amidst it all...we hit it off immediately! It was great -- everything you'd hope for, really, in the way of desire, excitement, butterflies in the stomach and all that.
We were quickly on a high from each other, and no end of emailing, calling, and texting ensued, at all hours of the day and night. It was fantastic! There's nothing quite like the excitement you can find in another person who's just as interested in you as you are them...thriving on finding out as much as you can about who they are and what they're doing.
We didn't get to meet too often, but I'll likely get into that more later.
When we did get to see each other, it was wonderful -- I couldn't get enough of how she looked, how she moved, the sound of her voice, and the twinkle in her eyes. Her passion for her interests and life were infectious -- a great thing, with all of the interests we share.
Going for walks, how natural it felt to hold her hand in mine, reaching out for the other's hand instinctively. When we held each other close, too, well, it all just fit so well. When she'd nestle her head into my shoulder or chest, everything else faded away.
Life was wonderful, she was wonderful, I was wonderful.
I was on such a high, and a completely unexpected one -- I hadn't been looking for a relationship, only friendship. To find something so deep and so fast was both amazing and alarming.
Within the first couple of weeks, though, the funk I was in would rear its head in an unexpected way -- and a way that went undetected for far too long. With the high and the promise of the new relationship, I was in a completely different headspace. It seemed as though I'd been dragged out of that funk completely, which was a blessing to say the least -- the sky was so blue in my world and all of that.
What quickly happened, though, in retrospect -- this rush all came as such a relief, to be alive again and on top of the world, that I latched onto it and became rather obsessed with it. It was my escape from that funk, never to return. My focus outside of keeping things running at home narrowed down to what this could become, and got caught up in that fantasy, rather than simply enjoying living it in the moment.
This quickly turned things from being a positive influence all around into me behaving like a completely different person. My wife had initially been so enthralled with the positive effect it had on me, however when this new stage set in, I was barely recognizable to her any longer, and not really someone that she wanted to be around.
We were quickly on a high from each other, and no end of emailing, calling, and texting ensued, at all hours of the day and night. It was fantastic! There's nothing quite like the excitement you can find in another person who's just as interested in you as you are them...thriving on finding out as much as you can about who they are and what they're doing.
We didn't get to meet too often, but I'll likely get into that more later.
When we did get to see each other, it was wonderful -- I couldn't get enough of how she looked, how she moved, the sound of her voice, and the twinkle in her eyes. Her passion for her interests and life were infectious -- a great thing, with all of the interests we share.
Going for walks, how natural it felt to hold her hand in mine, reaching out for the other's hand instinctively. When we held each other close, too, well, it all just fit so well. When she'd nestle her head into my shoulder or chest, everything else faded away.
Life was wonderful, she was wonderful, I was wonderful.
I was on such a high, and a completely unexpected one -- I hadn't been looking for a relationship, only friendship. To find something so deep and so fast was both amazing and alarming.
Within the first couple of weeks, though, the funk I was in would rear its head in an unexpected way -- and a way that went undetected for far too long. With the high and the promise of the new relationship, I was in a completely different headspace. It seemed as though I'd been dragged out of that funk completely, which was a blessing to say the least -- the sky was so blue in my world and all of that.
What quickly happened, though, in retrospect -- this rush all came as such a relief, to be alive again and on top of the world, that I latched onto it and became rather obsessed with it. It was my escape from that funk, never to return. My focus outside of keeping things running at home narrowed down to what this could become, and got caught up in that fantasy, rather than simply enjoying living it in the moment.
This quickly turned things from being a positive influence all around into me behaving like a completely different person. My wife had initially been so enthralled with the positive effect it had on me, however when this new stage set in, I was barely recognizable to her any longer, and not really someone that she wanted to be around.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Is that a funk I see?
Prior to this "opening up", I'd found myself in a bit of a funk that I was doing my best to navigate. The previous year and a bit had thrown a fair share of upheaval our way -- half a dozen family members passed away, my mother included, and my first little one arrived.
I resigned from work early this year to be a stay-at-home dad, in order to provide the sort of care and attention at home that only a parent can give. I was the logical choice for the role -- we both made pretty good money, and my personality was more suited to this sort of commitment. (Admittedly, her post-partum depression was a factor, too -- for those of you who enjoy your careers, you know what a positive influence that can be in your life.)
It was a strange thing, really, to give up a perfectly good career that you enjoy in order to stay at home. Within the first couple of weeks, I knew full well that it was the right choice, although that didn't automatically mean that the transition was easy.
As a highly-involved father prior to the change, the amount of work at home came as no surprise...in fact I'd been tackling much of it all along during my 9-5, to do my best to help my wife through her PPD and keep things working on the home front.
What I wasn't prepared for, though, was the toll it takes when you're immersed in the role 24/7. The workload was easier -- much of the same amount of work, but spread out over a full day rather than crammed into an evening or weekend. That wasn't the tough part. The tough part came from being "on" in the role constantly -- you don't officially get breaks during the day, or days off, unless you make a point of arranging them. As such, you wind up being "on" for a good 12 - 14 hours a day, if not more. Sure, there's nap time, however that's generally filled with getting things done around the house or taking care of your own basic needs...showering, eating, and so on -- definitely not often times that can recharge your batteries.
The first several months saw my disposition vary more than I'd like -- I was still doing a good job, but could see that I was slowly but surely heading downhill. Being somewhat self-aware, noticing this sort of decline can be a bit alarming, particularly when you realize that just knowing what's going on isn't enough to turn it around.
In the first few months, I think I only really arranged "time off" twice. This was definitely not enough, but gave a clear indication of what value it holds -- those brief times left me feeling recharged and very positive. It was a relief to find that getting enough change into your daily routine also has a huge positive influence -- getting out of the house to do things with the little one turned out to be the single largest factor aside from making sure that I had time for myself (taking them to the pool, the gym, the park, and so on -- even just getting out for a walk around the neighbourhood together).
The next couple of months involved finding a balance of out-of-the-house activities that were good for the little one, as well as giving me enough of a change of scenery to keep things heading in the right direction mentally and emotionally.
It was definitely a relief to start finding that balance. I could see that I was on the right track, but that I had a fair ways to go to get back to the highly-positive state I was in when the at-homeness began. Meanwhile, I could expect to go through periods of irritability, lack of patience, emotional upset, and so on...everyone has ups and downs, of course -- it's a matter of finding that balance that gives you far more ups, and makes it so that the downs are fleeting at best.
So. This was my "funk" -- a whole bunch of factors which, when combined, proved to be a fair burden to shoulder, and demanding attention...it wouldn't just go away on its own any time soon.
I resigned from work early this year to be a stay-at-home dad, in order to provide the sort of care and attention at home that only a parent can give. I was the logical choice for the role -- we both made pretty good money, and my personality was more suited to this sort of commitment. (Admittedly, her post-partum depression was a factor, too -- for those of you who enjoy your careers, you know what a positive influence that can be in your life.)
It was a strange thing, really, to give up a perfectly good career that you enjoy in order to stay at home. Within the first couple of weeks, I knew full well that it was the right choice, although that didn't automatically mean that the transition was easy.
As a highly-involved father prior to the change, the amount of work at home came as no surprise...in fact I'd been tackling much of it all along during my 9-5, to do my best to help my wife through her PPD and keep things working on the home front.
What I wasn't prepared for, though, was the toll it takes when you're immersed in the role 24/7. The workload was easier -- much of the same amount of work, but spread out over a full day rather than crammed into an evening or weekend. That wasn't the tough part. The tough part came from being "on" in the role constantly -- you don't officially get breaks during the day, or days off, unless you make a point of arranging them. As such, you wind up being "on" for a good 12 - 14 hours a day, if not more. Sure, there's nap time, however that's generally filled with getting things done around the house or taking care of your own basic needs...showering, eating, and so on -- definitely not often times that can recharge your batteries.
The first several months saw my disposition vary more than I'd like -- I was still doing a good job, but could see that I was slowly but surely heading downhill. Being somewhat self-aware, noticing this sort of decline can be a bit alarming, particularly when you realize that just knowing what's going on isn't enough to turn it around.
In the first few months, I think I only really arranged "time off" twice. This was definitely not enough, but gave a clear indication of what value it holds -- those brief times left me feeling recharged and very positive. It was a relief to find that getting enough change into your daily routine also has a huge positive influence -- getting out of the house to do things with the little one turned out to be the single largest factor aside from making sure that I had time for myself (taking them to the pool, the gym, the park, and so on -- even just getting out for a walk around the neighbourhood together).
The next couple of months involved finding a balance of out-of-the-house activities that were good for the little one, as well as giving me enough of a change of scenery to keep things heading in the right direction mentally and emotionally.
It was definitely a relief to start finding that balance. I could see that I was on the right track, but that I had a fair ways to go to get back to the highly-positive state I was in when the at-homeness began. Meanwhile, I could expect to go through periods of irritability, lack of patience, emotional upset, and so on...everyone has ups and downs, of course -- it's a matter of finding that balance that gives you far more ups, and makes it so that the downs are fleeting at best.
So. This was my "funk" -- a whole bunch of factors which, when combined, proved to be a fair burden to shoulder, and demanding attention...it wouldn't just go away on its own any time soon.
Where do I begin?
First of all, I should let you know that this is not your typical situation, although the lessons-learned will hopefully be relevant nonetheless.
I'm married, and happily so. I have a toddler, and another little one on the way. My wife and I wound up with a relationship transformation earlier this year, and could now be considered to be polyamorous. Generally speaking, I'm not writing to comment on this sort of lifestyle, although I need to put it out there, since some things won't make much sense otherwise. (If you're looking for further information on polyamory, I'd suggest reading through the material here -- it's a good background on the topic, and goes a long way towards clearing up misconceptions people might have about poly vs. swinging, cheating, and so on. Although I may write more on the topic later on, I'll simply say that it has turned out to be the right choice for us, and has strengthened and deepened the bond between us immeasurably.)
This story begins a few months after opening up our marriage. I had initially intended to use my free time while my wife pursued her other interest(s) to catch up on personal projects and such. After a while, though, I decided that it would be nice to have a friend or two simply to chat with, who could relate to things and generally be good company.
One of the people I contacted really caught my eye -- we have so many common interests, it's kind of ridiculous. I wasn't looking there for chemistry -- she wasn't looking for someone already in a relationship...even though I wasn't looking for it, we sure found it, and fast...
I'm married, and happily so. I have a toddler, and another little one on the way. My wife and I wound up with a relationship transformation earlier this year, and could now be considered to be polyamorous. Generally speaking, I'm not writing to comment on this sort of lifestyle, although I need to put it out there, since some things won't make much sense otherwise. (If you're looking for further information on polyamory, I'd suggest reading through the material here -- it's a good background on the topic, and goes a long way towards clearing up misconceptions people might have about poly vs. swinging, cheating, and so on. Although I may write more on the topic later on, I'll simply say that it has turned out to be the right choice for us, and has strengthened and deepened the bond between us immeasurably.)
This story begins a few months after opening up our marriage. I had initially intended to use my free time while my wife pursued her other interest(s) to catch up on personal projects and such. After a while, though, I decided that it would be nice to have a friend or two simply to chat with, who could relate to things and generally be good company.
One of the people I contacted really caught my eye -- we have so many common interests, it's kind of ridiculous. I wasn't looking there for chemistry -- she wasn't looking for someone already in a relationship...even though I wasn't looking for it, we sure found it, and fast...
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Pain in the Net?
This blog was created a looong time ago as a play on "pain in the neck", and was originally intended as a place for tongue-in-cheek commentary on the "latest and greatest" that net-based technology has to offer -- particularly when those offerings were of questionable value, and to offer advice regarding what to do about the things that are most commonly a pain in the ass neck for new net-denizens.
That's not what you'll find here.
I've decided, instead, to use this as a dumping ground for my musings about relationships, love, heartbreak, people, and life in general. And smoothies. Maybe.
This is primarily for my own personal catharsis, working through a recent heartbreak of my own...why a blog, then? Well, if my rambling winds up being amusing or helpful to anyone else out there, so much the better.
Be warned -- I expect that the language may get a little colourful here and there along the way, as I do my best to tear down my fucking political-correctness filters that often interfere with me expressing things freely and clearly in their most basic form. It'll likely start off mild in the first few posts, but I can see where it might go as we mosey along. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Be warned -- I expect that the language may get a little colourful here and there along the way, as I do my best to tear down my fucking political-correctness filters that often interfere with me expressing things freely and clearly in their most basic form. It'll likely start off mild in the first few posts, but I can see where it might go as we mosey along. Don't say I didn't warn you.
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